Invisible - Lea's Story

 

Leas Story

One day at little girl came into being. She had no parents. In her house there were no mirrors. Her house was brown on the inside and there were no doors or windows. There were lots of feelings in the house. Anger raged around like a roaring lion, stalking the little girl and leaping at her from unexpected places. Fear and terror were like imaginary companions who never left her alone. She could see her hands and feet, but she had never seen her face. She didn’t know what she looked like.

The little girl’s name was Invisible. Invisible could hear voices. There were voices of adults, who yelled, and other children who yelled. She could hear violence and rage. She could hear stories about something called, god, who lived outside the house and demanded things. It demanded the adults to go outside the house and do things, like preach and teach and nurse other people. Invisible didn’t like this god, but she thought she was supposed to. It was very powerful. It could send people who didn’t like it to a place called hell, where there is eternal weeping and gnashing of teeth. I don’t know why Invisible was so scared of going to hell. There was plenty of weeping and gnashing of teeth in the brown house, with no mirrors.

Invisible’s body grew and matured, but her inside person stayed very small and tiny. She was sent down a long brown corridor to a place called ‘school’. god made her go there. She learned how to count and to read and to write. She learned how to look after other people. In fact this was something she had learned when she was very little, because the other children in the brown house needed someone to look after them and help them not be angry. Because the adults were too busy outside doing’s god’s work, and if the other children got angry, then the adults got very angry too. The adults hit the other children. Invisible was very scared when everyone was angry. She would go and hide behind the chair and curl up really tiny. Even though her body grew as time passed, some part of her stayed curled up, really tiny behind the chair.

There was a place Invisible learned to go, where other people were not angry. It was a place called, Books. She went to that place all the time. She was very glad she had been sent down the corridor to school to learn to read. She could escape to Books. There were people in Books who shared something called ‘love’. Invisible wasn’t sure what that was. There were people in Books who shared something called ‘trust’. This was a mystery to Invisible. There was one Book that the adults told her she must read. This Book talked

about god using terms like love and faithfulness and kindness and relationship. Invisible didn’t know what these words meant. This Book told her she must “Have faith” or she would go to hell where there was weeping and gnashing of teeth. She didn’t know what ‘faith’ was or how to get it, but she tried very hard. There was so much weeping and gnashing of teeth in her world that she didn’t want to go somewhere where there was even more.

There came a time when the thing called ‘school’ came to an end. All the people she knew at school disappeared then. They went to a place called ‘America’. Invisible and the adults went to a place called ‘Australia’. Invisible took ‘Books’ with her. They were her only company when she was lonely and sad, which was nearly all the time. She didn’t know what she wanted to do, but knew she needed to do something because she needed something called, “Money”. In order to get Money, she learned to look after other people who were sick. This wasn’t very hard, because she had been looking after children and others all the time she was alive. She even looked after the Adults. She thought that god made her look after people. She didn’t like it, because inside she was curled up behind a chair and very scared and terrified. She still hadn’t seen a mirror and didn’t know what she looked like.

One day, Invisible decided she wasn’t going to look after sick people anymore. She went to a place called ‘Bible College’. She was going to get a Degree. A Degree would make her more important. She met someone at Bible College, who told her she had a face, and it was a beautiful face. She didn’t believe this person. This person also knew about Compassion. But Compassion, seemed to be a different god to the one of the adults in Invisible’s world. This person, called Rose, told her that Compassion already knew Invisible and had seen her face. She said that Compassion wasn’t angry at Invisible and wouldn’t send her to hell where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth. Rose said that Compassion was angry about the weeping and gnashing of teeth that was part of Invisible’s world. Invisible didn’t believe her.

Invisible’s world had turned to one of darkness. She looked after other people all the time. She continued to look after the adults who were in her life. She was very, very sad inside. She was very anxious, but she didn’t know that was what the feelings in her arms and chest meant. She was also very angry, but she didn’t know that either. She tried to be faithful to the god of her adults. She worked at it very, very hard. But she could never seem to please this god. It never looked at her face. The darkness grew and

grew. Invisible did many things. A lot of them were good things and people said she was very good at them. But it was her grown up arms and legs and head that did these things. Inside she was still curled up behind the chair very, very scared.

As she got older, she realised that something wasn’t right. She approached people for help. That was VERY hard to do, because she believed she must be Independent. The people she approached didn’t help her very much. They told her to Try Harder to BE GOOD. She had tried hard to be good all her life, and look after people, but she was still invisible, and her inside world just got darker and darker.

Over a period of time, her fear, terror, and darkness began to overwhelm her ability to think and do things. Invisible’s body became even more ephemeral. Wispy and cloud like. A shadow of deep, deep darkness. One day she wasn’t able to function anymore. Amazingly enough there were some people who could help her, when she could no longer help herself or anyone else. (One of these was Companion). They seemed to see more than the shadow she had become. Invisible still tried very hard to be Independent, but she couldn’t really do it anymore. That was very, very hard for her. She was very, very tired.

Invisible tried many things. She tried working again, but could only manage it a bit. She tried talking to some ‘Professionals’, and they only helped her a bit. Companion was a steadying encouraging influence through this time. She believed that Invisible actually had some substance and that it could be found. She talked about ‘Dancing in the Sunshine’. This didn’t make much sense to Invisible, who didn’t even know what Sunshine was.

One day, Invisible had a revelation. She suddenly knew that her darkness, anxiety, sadness and invisibility had something to do with the god of the adults in her life and not just the fact that she was an orphan. Compassion led her to a person called, Hope. Hope knew all about the god of the weeping and gnashing of teeth. She also knew about Compassion. She had a mirror in her eyes. It was a long, long time..... many years, before Invisible could begin to look into Hope’s eyes and see something of her face in the mirror that was there. Hope listened to Invisible’s heart, like no one had listened before. She seemed to know about brown houses, and about little ones curled up in terror behind chairs. She seemed to know about anger, and darkness, and fear and she wasn’t frightened by them. She was very, very patient with Invisible.

Hope and Companion and Rose were teaching Invisible about Compassion. Invisible knew Compassion in the depths of her gut, but she was very hard to find. Now she was learning about Compassion in her mind. She learned about making friends with her darkness. She began to see that she had a face and her ears were beginning to be opened to hear her name. Compassion was calling her by a new name. It sounded like, ‘Visible’, and ‘Boundaried’, and ‘Lea’. A lea is a place of shelter. Invisible liked her new names.

Lea is finding it very hard to know Compassion in her heart. Her heart is encased in a brittle shell of ice. This ice has the names of ‘Not Good Enough’, ‘Invisible’, ‘Weeping and Gnashing of Teeth’, ‘Hell’, ‘Terror’.

Somehow, Lea knows that to see her face clearly in her own mirror, or her own eyes, she needs to know Compassion in her heart. There is a problem. If the ice around her heart is shattered, shards of ice will pierce her heart. If it is heated up too quickly, and melted, heart will burn. Hope believes there is a way, and that Compassion will show the way. Waiting for a new path hurts, and is very hard.

25 July, 2016

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